Imperative in the Indicative

On Driscoll, Asperger’s Syndrome, and the ESV (A Reflection on Madness)

I have a girlfriend.

And my girlfriend likes the fact that I cry, alot. I am a cryer. I’m very sensitive, very easily hurt. When I feel things, I feel them strongly. When I am happy, I am very happy. And when I am sad, I am very sad. And when I am angry, I am very angry. And when I love, I love to the point of burnout.

My former youth minister with whom I used to work with at my old church (a Southern Baptist megachurch, Lord have mercy!) was, very, infatuated by Mark Driscoll. He was a young man, and he was young. He got married you. Yes, his ego had ballooned to the size of Genghis Khan’s empire because he had accomplished all of this by the age of 23. And he was a “man”.

All thanks to Mark Driscoll getting him off his butt and doing stuff other then bully people and fornicate with women. He was tough and he became tough for Jesus.

But I am not a tough man, really. I am a more gentle soul, I mean, I wanted to fornicate with women (thus the severe porn addiction I had a long time ago) but really I just wanted love. And so did he, I’m sure. All topics that can explored at a later date.

I was impressed. He was the man I wanted to be, this youth minister. I saw his gruffness and I despised my sensitivity. And Mark Driscoll? He had all the answers it seemed.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if Mark Driscoll was the youth pastor of my old church…

The point is, I tried to be a man. And I burnt out. And I despised myself for it.

But you know what the ironic thing is?

I find out a month ago that I have Asperger’s Syndrome, and apparently, that makes me more sensitive then most. Anxiety and whatnot. God made this way. And God loves me the way that I am. I don’t need to be “manly” as to what Driscoll calls manly. I just need to be loving, as best I can.

And when I’m not, it’s okay, because God loved and loves me when I’m not.

And honestly, now that the story of Mars Hill abusing its members have come to light, I’m grinning because I feel that I have been vindicated. Let justice roll down like a might river.

God have grace on that man, me, and that church, and the Church.

P.S.

The NRSV is better then the ESV. Isaiah meant a young woman. Sorry folks.

To take a Breath Away (A Short Reflection)

If the gospel isn’t taking your breath away then something else is.

I have a friend who is always wanting to post inspiring things, things that will make me excited about God and the Gospel.

But to be honest, what does it mean that the Gospel take your breath away? That I’m zealous at all times? Must I be in an excited emotional state about the Gospel?

I guess. But hopefully God has enough grace to let me thrilled by something else, like Tumblr.

In other words, thank God loves us when we’re not enthralled by Jesus.

Psalm 8 (A Short Reflection on our Worth and our Place)

1 O LORD, our Sovereign, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens.

2 Out of the mouths of babes and infants you have founded a bulwark because of your foes, to silence the enemy and the avenger.

3 When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars that you have established;

4 what are human beings that you are mindful of them, mortals that you care for them?

5 Yet you have made them a little lower than God, and crowned them with glory and honor.

6 You have given them dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under their feet,

7 all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field,

8 the birds of the air, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes along the paths of the seas.

9 O LORD, our Sovereign, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Rather popular to have two views of us, humanity.

The first is to think rather highly of ourselves. Self-aggrandizement. We do this in our daily lives, and how we ask? Ask the person who gossips so that they might feel important for having secret knowledge. Or ask the person who serves so that they might feel as if reality could function without you. 

Perhaps we use people so that might benefit us? Yes, that person in your pew would make a wonderful guitar player for your ministry. 

I don’t know, or you befriend a person so that they might help you with a difficulty that you’re having. And then you abandon them as soon as they’ve helped you.

Because all the world’s a stage and you’re the star?

Selfish. Nobody wants to be friends with a person like that. And neither do you.

But read what the Psalmist writes. The Psalmist writes “what are human beings that you are mindful of them”?

And why should the Lord be mindful of us? Look at the works of the stars, the moon. Why, He holds the cosmos together lest the lights be blown out and leave us in the darkness.

And yet.

And yet we must be mindful that we do not fall into the second common view of self that we hold, that is, that of self-hatred. Disgust.

I’m sure you feel out of place because you’re not popular amongst your peers, friends. Or that you feel out of place because you’re too poor. Or you’re too rich.

The point is, you fail to satisfy some sort of law that you’ve imposed on yourself. So you fail, and you feel worthless.

Yet listen to what the Psalmist writes. That “we are crowned with glory and honor”.

And yet, paradoxically almost, we are given dominion over all the earth. The land, the sea, the fish, the oxen, the birds. Even the liger?

Yes, even the liger.

Of course you tell me, how is it true that we rule over all the earth? And that we are crowned with glory and honor? We have hurricanes, deaths due to deranged ducks and other deadly diseases, that we hate ourselves and we use others to make much of us, usually at the same time? 

It can be, and it is, in Jesus Christ.

In Jesus Christ, God the Son, sent by the Father and empowered by the Spirit became incarnate, human, and had dominion over creation and ultimately over death as he came back from the dead.

Indeed, he let the brokenness of the creation ravage him so that he might come back from the dead by the power of the Spirit and reconcile us and the whole creation to God the Father, so that Christ might be all in all.

But what does that mean?

It means that in Jesus Christ we can understand our place. That we are sinful, but not worthless, not beyond repair. That we are needing to be reconciled to God the Father and that Jesus was made far so that we be brought close.

So then, we are humbled.

However we also learn that we have worth, because we are made in God’s image, and that because for those of us in Jesus, we become partakers of the divine image, as St. Peter once wrote in his epistle. We become more like God, and in that, we become more human. We start to have dominion over ourselves and our sinful nature.

So then, we see our dignity. We are loved by virtue of being. And God demonstrates this love in sending His Son.

And because Jesus has ascended, even know, all things (though it does not appear that way) are even now under His feet. And He will return again and set all of the cosmos right again, and all of us who are in Jesus Christ will have dominion over all of the creation as He sits at the right hand of the Father.

And all of us in Christ will be singing “O LORD, our Sovereign, how majestic is your name in all the earth!”

A Narratival Context (My Life so Far) I, I, I, I,…

I have a girlfriend.

I have Asperger’s Syndrome.

I have Lord knows how long to graduate.

I suppose I should update my two readers as to what has been going on in my life. Sure. 

I stumbled towards a relationship. Stumbled because everything I learned about pursuing a woman blew up in my face. I learned to dance, play music, became funny, attempted to be cool, just so that a woman could pay attention to me.

Instead, this woman paid attention to me because I witnessed to her sister about Jesus, more then that, because I befriended her with no strings attached. She liked me because I was myself, in my failures.

I did nothing to deserve this, truly.

I want to love her. Not in that dopamine high sort of sense, but rather, I want to appreciate her because I don’t deserve her. It’s a bit overwhelming at times because this relationship is rather new to me, and I don’t know how such things work. 

I also found out that I have Asperger’s Syndrome. If you don’t know what that is, go to Wikipedia. Other then that, it means I’m socially awkward and obsessed with certain topics which makes me appear to be rather intelligent. Apparently the DSM-IV has a category for geek. But that’s besides the point. 

It, the point? The point is, something that I have been struggling with my entire life has been diagnosed and is being treated. Finally. All those times that I felt awkward, unable to read the social atmosphere of a place, it has a name! Now I can just tell people to be patient with me just like the Father is patient with humanity to repent, and stuff. But that’s another story.

I, thirdly, finally accepted that I’m going to graduate late. Two classes this semester. Whatever. I’m going to have fun and make music, listen to music, and pursue peace. 

I’ll end this post now, because now I need to write others. I have much to process ya know.

Aye!

Things that Still Bother Me (An Introduction?)

Here is a list of things that bother in order of things that I can remember:

1) Most Male Neo-Calvinists in their early Twenties

Christians that are Reformed in the Reformation tradition I respect. But for some reason the ones that follow Calvinistic theology as processed by Americans really rub me the wrong way. A friend of mine pointed it out, it’s so new! I responded it’s like the hot girl in a room full of ugly girls. But just ‘cause she’s hot doesn’t mean she’s reasonable.

2) Fundamentalists

I’m so tired of people thinking that they’re right all the time, on the right or the left, Catholic or Protestant. It’s so annoying. And when they’re so jerkish about, blargh. But this requires a story.

3) Alabama college football

Elephants are not bodies of water. Roll tide roll! Agh.

4) Prosperity Gospel types

If Jesus wants me to be healthy, I am going to Hell.

5) People that tell me that I should only listen to Christian music

As I write this I’m listening to Rush, a humanist progressive rock power trio from Canada. I am a bass player. Of course I like Rush. In fact I like all types of music. But when somebody tells me that I can only listen to one type of music because the Bible says that I am feeding my flesh… oh my gawsh I cannot even begin to deconstruct that thoroughly. The Platonism. The dualism. No, just no.

6) People that tell me that I should only listen to contemporary Christian music

Look above.

7) People that seek to take advantage of me

I am worth something and if a person fails to recognize that, well, I don’t know what I might do…

8) My anger

Yes as angry as the writing has been, my anger is starting to bother me. I don’t want to be this angry ya know.

9) When people label me

I am a mystery!

10) When people get mad that I label them

People should make sense!

11) Unreasonableness of all sorts

I suppose that what I get for being an INTJ. Us thinking types, if you are irrational, stop it.

12) The opposite sex

Start making sense.

13) People that tell me to act a certain way

There is a special place for you in my heart… there’s fire involved.

I suppose parts of this post are supposed to be tongue in cheek… though if I could be honest, these things really do bother me. And I suppose we have things, sometimes trite sometimes serious, but I mean, to be so consumed by anger…

… so I suppose one day I should explore why I even have anger against such things, whether it is good or bad (or both!) and if there is grace in such things.

Though there always is grace, thankfully.

Some Reflections on the Last Year

A heart dejected.

A heart abused.

A heart broken.

A heart confused.

And yet here I am, alive, and I’m probably doing better for it.

Last Fall I slipped and gave myself, if briefly. In the midst of all this I was just finding out that I didn’t have the best childhood, or church experience.

Then over the Spring, despair entered into me and me question whether I wanted to keep on living. As a result I failed three out of four of my classes. Hm. 

In the middle of this I join Crossbridge Church. In Brickell. Presbyterian, ya know.

Summer comes and my despair starts to consume me. I start to wake up at two in the afternoon, trying my hardest to not end my life. After learning about my past, I start to see counseling. So stereotypical… like every other white suburban whine does because their mommy didn’t love them enough.

At least that’s how I feel. Every counselor I’ve spoken to marvels at the fact that I’m still alive, and wanting to be alive.

After the Summer optimism enters into this Fall. I start the semester strong, and I gain a friend.

And because of foolishness on my part I almost lost her, but I know now the intimacy is gone.

Only because I didn’t want to be alone. Oh the irony.

And then after that, I spend about two to three weeks without seeing my friends on a constant basis. Oh lulz. Thanks mono!

But there is light in the darkness, there always is.

I’ve realized that the way I act, the way I’ve been programmed is not my fault. And I can always change. I can always act towards health. God has grace. He can give me the freedom I need.

I’ve realized that I do have people that care about me. Crossbridge, for some reason, are unreasonably caring when it comes to my well being… physically and emotionally. Even, spiritually. I didn’t earn it really. They don’t look up to me. They’re not intimidated by me, no, if anything, they scare me because they’re so foreign. So strange.

I’ve realized that in joining this new community, there is a fear. I have been abused by communities before. In fact there have been communities that have existed, their sole reason for existence, my misery. My utter misery.

I’ve realized that I have much to work on. My anger, which makes itself manifest in my sarcasm, my general distrust for all things Christians, and my hostility to those who disagree with me.

Kyries elieson.

Lord have mercy.

I’ve realized that happiness is already in me, and His name is Jesus. I do not have to look for it. It is already here. I only need to be here, now, and myself. It’s so much better then always living in my head.

I’ve realized that I have to slow down and enjoy life. Over the last two years I have been in a rush to graduate. I’ve always wondered why God would frustrate my plans. I think I know why: He wants me to enjoy life, enjoy now! Enjoy the fact that He is in all things, always close… always close. Always willing to commune.

Oh but I’m so scared.

But I think He wants me to do things that I enjoy to do. He wants me to be human. I think He wants me to do music, to do comedy, to teach… I want life, more then anything, because it leads to happiness. So I suppose know what that means.

Christos elieson.

Christ have mercy!

I want life, I do. I feel like I’ve been put down for so long… I feel like I haven’t gotten to do what I want to do. I wonder if God is trying to tell me something in me getting hospitalized. I’ve worried so long about being an adult, trying to be perfect. I’m very imperfect, and that’s okay… dammit.

I’m imperfect. I’m imperfect. And that’s fine. It’s perfect. Oh it’s so wonderful.

There’s freedom in that. I hope I can believe it more often.

That the Lord have mercy on me, that I can look at the world with a sense of wonder and joy, a sense of amusement, that I stop trying to analyze people so that they won’t hurt me, and perhaps, just maybe, wear my heart on my sleeve. 

Because I’ve realized, there is always hope. Always. 

Reflections on Pietism

I have friends who I would consider, pietistic.

One of them is very dear to me.

Of course the question is, “what is pietism?”

Well, I don’t quite know how to explain it. I can describe it. It’s sorta like this. You have a friend who emphasizes holy living at the expense of interaction with the rest of the world (they will not listen to secular music or watch secular movies, for example), at the expense of thinking about theology (well as long as they live like Christians, that’s better then learning Greek or Hebrew), or the Gospel… because it’s always an emphasis on do and not done.

Indeed my good friend has in the past told me that once we understand the Gospel, we start living like we understand the Gospel.

Though to be fair, do we ever fully understand the Gospel?

But I’m digressing.

None of these things are bad in of themselves. We shouldn’t be tainted by sin. And in a sense it is better to live the Christian life then to understand the original languages. That is a common experience.

But at the expense of grace?

The pietists I’ve made in the past make this mistake. They counsel people by telling them to pray harder, read more Scripture, live “holier”.

These are not bad things. They are, very good things.

But any of these things without being rooted in Christ substitutionary death on cross and resurrection for us, is well, useless. We need to be freed, and understand that we are indeed free, if we are to do these things. Even the Jews had to be freed from Egypt before they were given the Law.

Which is why we study theology, so we can live it. Which is why we make decisions to avoid things that will damage us, because of grace.

And not only avoid the bad, but to pursue the good. To see that we shouldn’t just hermeneutically seal off ourselves from the world, but see the goodness in it and work with the Lord in the work of His ever expanding kingdom, through the proclamation of the Gospel in all we do.

Whatever that means, because that’s another idea for a post.

Jumbled post from a jumbled day.

Reflections on Religious Studies

I am a History major.

I hate my degree.

I hate my degree because we learn about history, organize arguments, all for… nothing. I have not been taught once why this information is, relevant.

Though to be fair, my professors sucked. And all the good professors I had were women. Maybe if I all I did was take courses with women professors, hmm…

The problem is that I think like a history major. I always think “What are your sources?” and I always tend to make up some sort of meta historical explanation of current realities.

And the subject I write most about is religion. Specifically, Christianity.

When I’m frisky I’ll even wear a philosopher’s cap.

Religious studies annoys me, for other reasons. Well. Annoy? That’s not the word. But I get a bit ticked by the sloppy historical methodology of some religious studies professors. You don’t dismiss the resurrection of Jesus out of hand, because, well, there is a church that exists because of it. Also, N.T. Wright wrote an 800 page tome defending it.

800 pages!

And so, what do I do?

I think I’m going to double major. I am going to get a history degree, but I will also have religious studies as a second major. Academically, I am going to be well prepared. I will be informed about culture and I will know how to talk to said culture.

Also I’ll be recognized as super smart. I suppose that’s a good thing.

Maybe some seminary will look it and go “Ah! Now this man, he has potential!”

And to be honest, the faith is much more easily shared in the environment of religious studies.

Here’s hoping to two degrees by the end of the year!